I have been guilty more times than I can count. I’ve equated love with protection, trying to shield friends and loved ones from the discomfort and power of consequences. Whether it’s a friend struggling with unhealthy habits, a loved one navigating the fallout of less-than-wise decisions, or even a child learning the boundaries of right and wrong, the impulse to step in and soften the blow is natural.
But according to award-winning therapist and bestselling author Kobe Campbell, this well-intentioned act may be doing more harm than good.
“Helping someone avoid the consequences that they need to experience to make necessary changes in their lives is not helping them, it’s enabling them,” Campbell explains.
Consequences, as she describes, are a fundamental part of growth, learning, and self-awareness. Without them, individuals lose the opportunity to gain feedback on their choices—feedback that is essential to developing confidence, resilience, and the ability to make better decisions in the future.
Learning the Hard Way: A Personal Reflection on the Power of Conseqences
I recently had to step back from a friendship because I recognized I was contributing to a pattern of unhealth. It became abundantly clear that the price of admission was my complicity in dysfunction. There was a fundamental lack of accountability in addressing the source of repeated setbacks—both personally and professionally.
When I pointed to the root of the cycleat the request of my friend, I suddenly became the enemy. After multiple consecutive days of spiraling arguments, I heard a word I knew was from God: Disengage.
Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them learn without trying to provide a soft landing or another perspective they are unwilling to hear.
The Power of Consequences in Growth
At its core, every action produces a result—either positive or negative. Consequences provide crucial feedback that helps individuals assess whether they want to continue on a certain path or embrace the challenge of making a necessary change. But when someone constantly intercepts those consequences, they inadvertently delay the person’s ability to recognize the impact of their choices.
Campbell highlights a crucial truth:
“If you keep getting in the way of somebody’s consequences, they’ll never get the feedback that tells them, ‘I need to change course, I need to change my behavior, I need to do something different.’”
The discomfort that comes with facing consequences isn’t present to punishment—the discomfort is there to inform. It teaches accountability, responsibility, and is ultimately a catalyst growth. Without this, individuals may remain stuck in cycles of dysfunction, unaware of how their behaviors affect themselves and those around them.
🧐 Ask Yourself: Have I ever shielded someone from a necessary lesson? What would have happened if I let them experience the full consequence?
Enabling vs. Supporting: Where’s the Line?
Many people struggle with the fine line between support and enabling. God knows I did. It’s easy to believe that stepping in to “fix” a situation is an act of love, but often, it becomes a pattern of rescue that prevents the other person from truly learning the power of consequences.
Consider these scenarios:
- A parent repeatedly pays off their adult child’s debt without requiring a financial plan in place.
- A manager shields an underperforming employee from accountability instead of addressing the behavior.
- A friend consistently makes excuses for someone’s destructive habits instead of encouraging them to take responsibility.
In each case, avoiding consequences stalls progress rather than facilitates it. Growth requires facing reality, and reality includes the outcomes of our choices.
Consequences and the Development of Confidence
Campbell also touches on another key element—the role of consequences in building confidence and courage.
When individuals take responsibility for their actions, they develop a sense of control over their own lives. They learn that their choices have weight, and they become more empowered to make intentional decisions.
This process, though often uncomfortable, is essential in fostering:
- Resilience – The ability to recover and adapt after setbacks.
- Self-awareness – Understanding one’s patterns, strengths, and areas for growth.
- Personal accountability – Taking ownership of actions and their results.
By stepping back and allowing others to experience the natural outcomes of their decisions, we give them the gift of authentic growth.
How to Embrace a Healthy Approach
If you find yourself frequently stepping in to “save” others, it may be time to reflect on your role in their journey. Here are some key shifts to consider:
- Pause Before Intervening – Ask yourself: Am I helping them grow, or am I preventing them from learning a valuable lesson?
- Encourage Problem-Solving – Instead of offering a quick fix, ask: What do you think is the best way to address this?
- Acknowledge Discomfort – Growth isn’t always easy. It’s okay for someone to struggle through a lesson—it’s often the only way it sticks.
- Redefine Support – Support doesn’t mean erasing consequences. It means standing beside someone as they navigate them.
- Trust the Process – Change happens when people feel the impact of their decisions. Give them the space to evolve.
[RELATED] Will Packer Wants You to Know You’re Right Where You’re Supposed to Be
Final Thoughts
Kobe Campbell’s insight challenges us to reconsider the way we define helping others. True support isn’t the sole act of removing every obstacle—support can happen when people have the space to learn, adjust, and grow through their experiences.
Rather than enabling someone by shielding them from the power of consequences, we can foster real transformation by allowing them to fully engage with the lessons that life presents.
Because in the end, the greatest gift we can give isn’t the absence of struggle—it’s the ability to overcome it. So, how will you step back to let someone step up?
About Kobe Campbell
Kobe Campbell is an award-winning licensed trauma therapist, bestselling author, media expert, entertainment consultant, and keynote speaker. She is the author of Why Am I Like This?: How to Break Cycles, Heal From Trauma, and Restore Your Faith, published by W Publishing of HarperCollins.
She is the owner of The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center in Charlotte, North Carolina and has appeared on Good Morning America and in publications such as Essence, Wondermind, Buzzfeed, Bustle, and more.
